Armageddon is upon us.
I’ve seen the lake of fire in the Middleton Library men’s room hidden behind its last, secret glory hole.
I’ve heard the gallop of the four horsemen masked by the numerous rehearsals of our very own Tiger Band.
And — beneath our very noses — each University student bears the mark of the beast.
Only you call it a Tiger Card.
Sure, I know what you’re saying — “Neal, you’re an alarmist,” “Neal, you’re over reacting,” or “Neal, you’re thin!”
Here’s some truth: I’m not an alarmist, I’m not over reacting and yes, I’m thin.
Very, very thin. It’s why I’m a good writer.
My physical appearance aside, I think the facts speak for themselves. University administrators have given us a number. They have marked us, told us we cannot be Tigers if we do not use this number to navigate the University.
I’m no math major, but I promise there are at least three local numerologists who fear the numbers 666 are inscribed at the heart of each and every computer-generated random number.
They’ve attached Tiger Pride to their unholy number — and I believe something sinister lurks behind all those sneaky digits.
Some students claim University administrators ignore student opinion.
Others allege the only thing our University middle managers care about is the bottom line.
Me, I’m different — I think they’re actively trying to stop University students from going to heaven, acting as intermediaries between the devil and the Antichrist.
After all, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
University Registrar Robert Doolos revealed the genealogy of these malicious numbers in an exclusive interview.
Doolos was the leader of the LSUID Project Team, a University-wide team of student representatives appointed by past SG presidents and administrators from academic areas.
It including representatives from the Law Center, the Ag Center, Finance and Administrative services and the Bursar’s office.
The team was responsible for creating University Policy Statement 113, which established University policy governing the use of Social Security Numbers and resulted in University compliance with Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act of 1974 — only adapted for the Information age.
“We needed to do a better job protecting the identities of our students,” Doolos said.
To achieve this, Doolos and the LSU ID Project Team created a master plan to create their own numbers to use in place of Social Security Numbers.
The first stage can be seen on our Tiger Cards — nine-digit LSU ID numbers have replaced nine-digit Social Security numbers. The second stage addresses how student Social Security numbers will be stored.
“We’re removing Social Security numbers from all University systems,” Doolos said. “Now, we’re going to store the numbers in one place, a simple repository for all Social Security numbers.”
But when asked about the elusive mysteries that surround the creation of LSU ID numbers, Doolos’ answers were more intriguing.
“We didn’t want to replicate any Social Security numbers or dummy Social Security numbers in the system. We changed the layout to differentiate between Social Security numbers and LSU ID numbers. That discussion took quite a while,” Doolos said.
Student Government Vice President Shannon Bates agreed with Doolos’ assessment of LSU ID numbers.
“I think that they are safer than using Social Security numbers, and I think that they serve a purpose,” Bates said.
Bates denied sharing my suspicions that the University may have an ulterior and nefarious motive in numbering us. When asked to describe LSU ID numbers in one word, Bates said “no comment.”
I’d have said “sinful” or “malevolent.”
“Apocalyptic,” even.
Bates was more forthcoming when asked if she would call on the University to cut out the damnation middleman and simply tatoo LSU ID numbers on the hand of each incoming freshman.
“No. No. No,” Bates said.
This is heartening because our University literally stands at a crossroads — down one fork lies the Great Tribulation and the Campaign of Armageddon; down the other, tailgating and the Oct. 11 football game against Florida.
These are the times that try University students’ souls.
While football’s allure is undoubtedly the sweetest fruit the University offers whenever a sorority pledge is otherwise unavailable, it’s small potatoes when the soul of Tiger Pride is on the line.
Hear my words.
The horsemen ride the Parade Grounds each night. SG did its best to stave off the Black Horsemen, Famine — though their efforts to avert starvation by handing out freezie pops was met with less than the approbation it deserved.
I alone saw the cloak of the red rider, War, when I dared to declare jihad against the woodland menace in our campus’ trees.
Two horsemen down, two to go — and I’m not liking where this is going.
If there’s a thin line between genius and insanity then there’s an even thinner line separating soothsayers from prophets. And believe you me — the only thing standing between me and immortality is 40 days of wandering in a desert and some hemp sandals.
The University mark of the beast is only the beginning. Worse will come.
Trust me — you don’t want to know where Chartwells and Dining Services plays into the LSU end of days.
Editor’s Note: All kidding aside, Registrar Doolos and the rest of the LSU ID Team did a great job creating and implementing PS 113. Doolos talked to The Daily Reveille for half an hour about the ins and outs of LSU ID cards, and we appreciate the time he took to help us understand this complicated issue.
----
Contact Neal Hebert at nhebert@lsureveille.com
LSU ID cards are the University's mark of the beast
Published: Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Updated: Wednesday, October 1, 2008
 "Photo: DANIELLE RUSSO / The Daily Reveille")
DANIELLE RUSSO / The Daily Reveille
6 comments
L.Young
Ok. I understand the fear. I'm not all that thrilled about what's happening either. I do have two issues with this article. First, if I'm not mistaken, those who are forced (as the students at LSU seem to have been) into receiving "the mark", then they have not sinned, therefore are exempt from damnation. The "damnable" receiving is in CHOOSING to follow the beast. Secondly, again, if I'm not mistaken, isn't "the mark" to be received in the hand or forehead? Not the wallet? No disrespect, I thank you for the information, but can we please make sure it is correct before adding to the fear factor?
Your name
You know, I really think this article didn't have much to say.In fact, I didn't really get anything out of it at all; no information.I only begin to wonder why every sentence is a new paragraph.Really...every single one of them.And did you really interview people telling them you were with the Reveille and needed to ask them about whether the LSU ID number was a mark of Satan?This is a little embarrassing.Remember that thing about how there's an election going on? And an economic crisis?
Blah Blah
What a joke.
Cup o'Joe
The "religion" extended metaphor is way, way, over-the-top and hyperbolic for the subject matter - student ID cards. I think we saw enough extended metaphors done badly from Donald Hodge to last a lifetime.But, concerning the sole Islamic reference - "jihad," at least the writer got that right, as jihad is War (against the Infidel). Although, again, to make what is Islamic Holy War against a squirrel is excessive and overmuch. Also, as every other religious reference is Judeo-Christian, it's apparent how little the writer knows about Islam. If you have only one reference to another belief system, it's better to leave it out. Extended metaphors make readers less and less impressed with the comparison the longer it lasts. The same imagery gets redundant and uninteresting after a while. So, make your extended metaphor brief - as "Brevity is the soul of wit." (Polonius, from "Hamlet," Act 2, scene 2), and you will have more success.
Your name
Disappointed reader has no sense of humor!
Disappointed Reader
This doesn't make a damn bit of sense, but it's very fitting for The Reveille. Seriously? There was nothing more newsworthy to print?? This article could be in Tiger Weekly.
