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We live in a dangerous world. People across the globe are exploring questions that will have a lasting impact on the future of humankind, but one question remains at the forefront of all social, economic and political debates - Who would win in a fight, ninjas or pirates?
But what startles me is that people continue to debate this question when the answer is apparent. Those who cannot see it should take a deep look into their souls and be wary of what they find.
When it comes right down to it, pirates would totally school ninjas.
Though ninjas and their martial arts abilities receive esteemed press, many often forget the skills and importance of the Brethren of the Coast. Since the Treaty of Ratisbon, the world's pirates have sought redemption and respect. The Poseidon-like powers pirates have developed from their command of the sea offer them access to a wealth of abilities, and many consider the rogues of the sea to be powerhouses of weaponry, intelligence and strength.
Admittedly, ninjas pose a threat to the sea warriors, but pirates stand poised to illustrate the immense challenge they pose to martial artists. Ninjas function primarily as assassins and spies. Pirates are much more. They are valiant fighters and wise authorities.
Pirates are the symbol of free trade. They are maritime capitalists who take advantage of the resources that confront them, which are generally overly intrusive and often unarmed merchant ships with expensive cargo. Pirates see an easy target, capture the target and benefit from the opportunity, much like American doctors and lawyers do today. And one of the most famous pirate settlements, Isla Tortuga, remained the last free port of the 1600s and 1700s because it was not controlled by European imperial forces.
Ninja weaponry lacks any touch of modern influences. Their shuriken, or throwing stars, would surely succumb to the muskets and rifles buccaneers have at their disposal. While both types of warriors carry swords, pirate swords boast rougher, more jagged blades than katanas that would inflict more pain on their victims.
Or suppose we had armies of both - two hundred ninjas and two hundred pirates. Pirates could use their cannons to stop the ninjas from ever getting close. I can see ninjas crawling down the beach with their ill-equipped stars and swords while pirates just fire away with their range weapons, spreading ninja arms and ninja legs throughout the sand.
We could look at the obvious differences between pirates and ninjas. Ninjas come from Asia. Pirates come from Europe. Arguably, Europeans could be ninjas, and Asians could be pirates. A well-trained European ninja would hardly last between five and seven minutes in his first assassination attempt. But an Asian pirate wouldn't have as much to overcome to be a good pirate. Get him drunk. Get him a sword. It'll be good.
And you can't forget magic and fate. Pirates have spells, potions and the goddess Fortuna on their side. Imagine a battle between Jack Sparrow and Hattori Hanzo. Sparrow did not sail through the bowels of a Caribbean mangrove swamp to discipline himself - he wanted some shortcuts. Irony, lack of agility, meandering rhetoric and a bit of luck are all on Sparrow's side. Hanzo's reliance on discipline and the martial arts cannot possibly overcome someone protected by the sea's good karma.
Ninjas are obviously conservatives, and we've seen what conservatives can do to a national deficit or diplomatic ties. Pirates are probably more liberal, but again, capitalists. They are more environmentally conscious and do not bury bodies but instead make them part of the food chain by feeding them to sharks.
Pirate groups are members of several environmentally friendly coalitions who are trying to curb roadside litter in most Gulf Coast states as well as targeting pollution in West Africa. Last week they even urged Cassie Alsfeld, Josh King, Calder Lynch, Anna Dearmon, Paul Dietzel and Tanesha Craig to clean up their campaign signs littering Baton Rouge roads and highways near our beautiful campus.
And who would you rather chill with on the weekends? Ninjas would be a fun weekend alternative if you want to engage in masochistic activities. But suppose you want to relax, get drunk and party it up a bit. You should then hang out with pirates. Wine, rum and brew were all integral facets of a pirate's diet. It helped with the scourge of looting unarmed merchant ships, and the alcohol ensures each pirate can get stabbed at least 10 times before he realizes he is bleeding. By then, the ninjas are dead.
Even after all the relaxation and booze, pirates still stand victorious. Look at Ulysses S. Grant. He drank. The North won. Robert E. Lee had character and morals, and the South lost, according to most of the world excluding Avoyelles Parish. History has shown that throughout time, alcohol and a healthy lack of productivity are essential in achieving success.
Pirates teach us that laziness and procrastination are the surest means of earning success in the short run. And by the time ninjas catch up to reallocate their booty, pirates have already spent it on cheap liquor and fast women. If you cannot view pirates as poster children of the benefits of capitalism, you're probably a communist who hates freedom - and who likes ninjas.
----- Contact Justin Fritscher at jfritscher@lsureveille.com
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