cats

Stars: 0.5/5

Note: This review should be read, or preferably sung, to the tune of “Mr. Mistoffolees” from the “Cats” soundtrack. I do not apologize for what I have done. It will probably still be more enjoyable than the film itself.

 

Hold on to your seats,

And try not to scream,

When you see what Tom Hooper

Has brought to the screen...

 

And we all say;

 

Oh, wow.

Never was there ever,

A film so terrible

As the abomination called Cats.

 

Oh where do I even start,

When discussing the film that transpired,

The Broadway musical won my heart,

With its beautiful music and choir.

 

But what Tom Hooper presents

Does not resemble the musical well all

To start, the story makes no sense.

Actually, there is no story y’all. 

 

Yet, worse than this, by many bounds,

Are the weird fur bodies and a floating face.

The CGI fails to be remotely profound

and is more accurately a disgrace.

 

They tell us they're Cats

And expect us to believe,

But the look of these “animals’

Made me want to heave....

 

And we all say...

 

Oh, wow.

Never was there ever,

A film so terrible

As the abomination called Cats.

 

Despite a few good performers

Like Derulo, Swift, and Dench

But even these great performers

Cannot help this movie with its stench

 

As I sat with my friends in horror,

I realized, and instantly felt the opposite of deft. 

For Uncut Gems was in the theater to my right,

And 1917 on the left. 

 

By now you’re thinking “Charles stop it you!”

“It couldn’t have really been that bad!”

But sure, go ahead and don’t heed my advice. 

You’ll certainly wish you had. 

 

For if you love Rebel Wilson

Eating fake cockroaches

And James Corden prancing around

In some CGI trash....

 

And we all say...

 

Oh, wow.

Never was there ever,

A film so terrible

As the abomination called Cats.

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