Sonic chicken slinger sandwich

Two Sonic chicken slinger sandwiches sit ready for your consumption.

Recently, there has been a question weighing heavily on my mind and heart. I go to bed thinking about it; I wake up in the morning, and it is the first thought that pops into my mind. When I stand in those long lines in the Student Union to get lunch, my mind can’t help but drift off in anguish. I can't get a second of reprieve—even when I turn on the TV to relax, I am blasted by images from so many different sources claiming they know the solution to my problem.

Arguments from each side just grow louder and louder as the question remains—who has the best chicken sandwich?

Popeyes, Church's, KFC, Chick-fil-A and so many more companies have stepped up to claim the title, but only one can wear the crown.

It all started after a news segment of President Joe Biden turning his back on reporters and walking away from questions regarding Afghanistan. A KFC commercial came on and boldly proclaimed that no place could possibly do chicken better than them.

They were convincing. I mean, they do have chicken in their name. 

In the current climate, it has been exceedingly difficult for me to conduct my study to figure out the true superior chicken sandwich. With arguments like "masks or no masks" and "vax or no vax" hogging all of the media's attention, it's hard for my voice to really stand out. It's a shame because, let’s be honest, determining the best chicken sandwich is a much more important subject. 

But finally, as life returns to normal with campus parking maxing out once more and Hurricane Ida debris swept off the roads, I can get back to what’s important. Through an in-depth, unbiased and completely scientific approach, I have come to a conclusion. 

I wrote down the names of every fast–food chain that has jumped on the chicken sandwich trend on strips of paper, then put these strips in a St. Louis Cardinals baseball cap. I gave the cap precisely 58 twirls, then randomly picked a piece of paper.

The winner was Sonic.

The answer surprised me, but I can’t argue with my own faultless science. Personally, I would consider Sonic’s Chicken Slinger to be the worst of all the chicken sandwiches. It's almost as bad as Vice President Kamala Harris’ handling of the border crisis. It's almost as bad as the university’s current football team. It's certainly as bad as Zoom University. 

But honestly, could the Chicken Slinger really be worse than the last year and a half? It was a tough time for us all, and at least now we have the most important of our many questions answered.

So, breathe that overdue sigh of relief, and treat yourself to a chicken sandwich. You deserve it.

Anthony Bui is a 21-year-old English senior from Opelousas, Louisiana. 

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