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It’s that time of year again.

Every partnered-up procrastinator is realizing Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and they have yet to get a gift for their loved one.

Although you could go for the basic box of chocolates and dozen roses, doesn’t your beloved deserve better? These classic gifts may not even be an option for you — a long bullfighting career may have left your lover traumatized by the color red, and many still suffer from deathly chocolate allergy from harrowing childhood tours of the Wonka factory.

So, to make your life just a little bit easier (because, let’s be honest, we all deserve a little help in these trying times) here are five unique gifts that will show your valentine just how special they are:

1. Vertak Gardtech Chainsaw with 20-Inch Bar Length and 52 CC Transpire Capacity

Remember when you first SAW your love across a room and CUT through the crowd to meet them? There’s no better way to commemorate that special moment than with this top-of-the-line chainsaw.

Its anti-kickback chain and anti-vibration design make it easy to hold onto this chainsaw as tightly as you would your valentine, while its EcoBoost engine shows our planet a little love too.

2. Life-Size 147-Pound Yeti Garden Statue

In this cruel world, a soulmate can be as difficult to find as the elusive Yeti. This hand-painted resin statue is a steal at the low price of $2,399 (before tax), especially with those $1,400 stimulus checks coming soon to a direct deposit near you.

For the more hairy and ape-like among us, this garden statue doubles as a life-like body pillow sure to comfort your valentine on those cold Himalayan nights apart.

3. 24 Fluid Ounce Jug of Mrs. Butterworth’s Original Syrup

Love is gentle, love is kind, love thick and rich as Mrs. Butterworth’s signature maple syrup formula?

If your heart oozes for your valentine like warm syrup over a fluffy short stack, why not treat them to the culinary embrace of Mrs. Butterworth? BUTTER up your buttercup, because no one else is quite as WORTHy of your love.

4. Autographed Tony Shaloub Phone Case

Say you’ve been meaning to buy a phone case for a year, and say, hypothetically, that you’ve already thrice dropped your phone onto the pavement and cracked the screen, yet every time you go to Amazon to finally invest in a phone case the sheer number of choices becomes too daunting and you give up.

Now pretend that as you were doing research for a hypothetical column, you came across the perfect phone case so you tried desperately to give your boyfriend a hint that this autographed Tony Shaloub phone case would be the ideal Valentine’s gift.


5. Limited Edition Family Size Lady Gaga Oreos

Whether or not you and your partner are looking for a third, every relationship benefits from bringing Lady Gaga into the mix. These limited edition Oreos are a sweet way to show your valentine the “Million Reasons” that your love is anything but a “Bad Romance.” They deserve your “Applause,” because baby, you’re glad they were “Born This Way.”

Disclaimer: The author was not sponsored to promote any of these products (despite leaving multiple voicemails with the Yeti garden statue manufacturers).

Cécile Girard is a 21-year-old psychology junior from Lake Charles.

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